Telling the children that you are going to get divorced is probably the most concerning step in the process, the step that many parents dread. It is in that moment, in that talk, where you basically have to tell them that their lives are about to change dramatically. Nevertheless, it must be done. So what is the best way to go about it?

First of all, put your guilt aside. Life is full of changes, some are for better and some are for worse. In today's divorce rate, your kids, as upset as they may be, are not the only kids in this situation. There will be plenty of kids who went through a similar situation at home in their immediate environment, that they can relate to.

Second, research shows that children reared in an environment where there is tension, will be more traumatized than a child reared in a divorced home which provides a tension free environment, or at least a significantly reduced one. Telling them of the upcoming divorce may be difficult at first, but it is far worse to see your parents constantly abusing each other, or just making each other miserable.

Children can and will thrive in a divorced home, if they are raised under the right parental conditions. Telling your children about the divorce and the way you support and guide them through upcoming times is your first step in that direction.

Here are some important guidelines on how to tell your children that you are going to get a divorce:

1. It is important that the parents tell the children what is going on in an age appropriate manner. You shouldn't discuss details, just headlines, but be honest and sincere.

2. It is preferable that you both tell the child together. If you cannot, than it would make sense that the parent who is the main caregiver will be the one to break the news to the child, lessening the trauma.

3. Make sure not to assign any blame for the separation to any parent, because this may indirectly give the child a reason to choose sides. It is unhealthy for the child to feel that there is a good and bad parent. Choose explanations such as 'we don't love each other any more', 'we don't get along', or 'we have decided it would be best if...'.

4. Make sure you clarify to your children that they are not responsible in any way for the divorce. Initially almost all children feel that they are responsible, and hope that they can create reconciliation. The parent must explain that the divorce is between the parents and not the children and parents. If this is explained correctly, the children will also realize that if they are not responsible for the divorce, then they cannot be responsible for their parents reconciling.

5. Refrain from telling the children that you are divorcing unless you and your spouse are absolutely certain that the decision is final.

6. Choose the time you tell your kids very carefully. This should be a non-school day, and you should not leave them to go to work on that day. Weekend or off days would probably be the most preferred time. They will need you with them, and will need time to gather themselves, at least partially, before they face the world.

7. Be as specific as you can in telling your kids what they should expect in the future as far as school and future living arrangements.

8. Be there ready to face more and more questions as the day goes by. Be ready to repeat the same answers, to hug and comfort. Be ready to reassure them that you, as well as the other parent, are there for them and love them. Be calm, as difficult as it may be. Your behavior will demonstrate to your child what the crisis level in their lives is, and is just as important, if not more, than what you say.

Michelle Rozen is a NJ court approved divorce mediator, conflict management specialist, parenting coordinator, and divorce coach, who practices in Bergen County, NJ, serving Closter, Demarest, Harrington Park, Haworth, Northvale, Norwood, Old Tappan, Rockleigh, Cresskill, Tenafly, and more. Michelle is a PhD candidate in the area of divorce related conflict management.

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