If you are contemplating a divorce or are in a period of separation, it can be a scary time in your life. There are many uncertainties: what about the kids? who gets the house or car? how will I be able to live? how does all of this work? In the past, it has been the case that a divorcing couple would each seek a lawyer, and go out to battle. A long, expensive, painful battle. It does not have to be this way. Many divorcing couples these days use mediation as a dignified, reasonable and affordable way to divorce, without war and disaster.

So what is mediation, actually? Mediation is the process in which a trained neutral person, called a mediator, facilitates the resolution of a dispute between two or more parties. Mediation is non-adversarial with the objective of helping the parties reach a mutually acceptable agreement.

There are many advantages in using mediation in place of the legal proceedings where the parties become adversaries.

Here are some of the issues that would be addressed in mediation:

1. The restructuring of the family unit: the parties must reach agreements on issues such as living arrangements for the children, child care, parenting, parent access, and education.

2. Financial issues: both spouses must plan their financial futures and decide how their children will be supported, whether either spouse needs support (alimony), how property such as homes, bank accounts, pensions, retirement accounts, and investments will be divided.

The mediator, through training and specialized knowledge, facilitates the parties in addressing all of these matters. Where appropriate, the mediator may recommend that the parties also use the services of experts in addressing specific issues.

In the New Jersey family court system there is a tremendous pressure to settle divorce cases. There are too many divorce cases, and not enough judges to have a trial for all of them. 98% of divorce cases are settled before a trial. Going to trial is very expensive: legal fees can be high, the parties will have to spend a significant amount of monies on expert witnesses to testify at trial. The parties will also have to produce real estate appraisers, pension experts, stock market experts, business appraisers, and or accountants. These experts are not cheap, and they charge thousands of dollars to come to trial and testify. Therefore, in most cases it is a win-win situation if a reasonable settlement can be achieved through mediation.

Here are some excellent reasons for choosing mediation:

1. A mediated divorce often costs less than 1/3rd of a litigated divorce

2. Mediation can finalize a divorce in much less time than litigation: months versus years

3. You lose none of your rights by mediating

4. Mediation is confidential

5. Make decisions about your future for yourself

6. Parties are more satisfied with terms they agree to in mediation than terms imposed by a court

7. Agreements obtained through mediation are far less likely to end up back in court

8. Mediation is a constructive, forward looking process (where do you go from here)

9. Mediation can be used to resolve many types of disputes, including the dissolution of gay and lesbian

10. Mediation allows you to get on with your life more quickly

The bottom line is that mediation works! It works because it brings all necessary parties to the bargaining table where they can evaluate their positions and safely explore settlement options. It works in settling over 85% of the cases in which it is utilized, including those where the parties have been unable or unwilling to negotiate, or have taken unrealistic or highly opposing positions.

Today, parties litigate because they know of no better alternative. However, as the benefits of mediation become more widely recognized, it will undoubtedly become the most utilized tool for divorce and separation in the future.

Michelle Rozen is a NJ court approved divorce mediator, conflict management specialist, parenting coordinator, and divorce coach, who practices in Bergen County, NJ, serving Closter, Demarest, Harrington Park, Haworth, Northvale, Norwood, Old Tappan, Rockleigh, Cresskill, Tenafly, and more. Michelle is a PhD candidate in the area of divorce related conflict management.

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